My Stupid Cupid
by Quaxo
Summary: If there's one thing that Perry Cox hates more than Hugh Jackman, it's people acting like idiots. So when two idiots refuse to see that they're in love with one another, he's taking matters into his own hands. But the course of love never did run smooth
1. Chapter 1

Inspired by the final scene of the NBC finale of Scrubs, it got me thinking. Thinking is obviously dangerous when it comes to me. I don't own the characters or the setting, they are property of Bill Lawerence and ABC productions (WHO PICKED IT UP FOR ANOTHER YEAR BOOYAH!)

My Stupid Cupid,

By Quaxo

* * *

"You've really recovered your body post-baby, it's like you didn't have one at all. I'm _so_ jealous…"

"Thanks! That's so sweet --"

"Lady, that's nawt her kid, it's her boyfriend's--"

"Dr. Cox! He is--"

"_Chief_ Dr. Cox…"

"JDIsNotMyBoyfriend!!"

"Oh, re-he-heally? What are you doing tonight?"

"JD and I are taking Sammy to the park and then--"

"Yah-and tomorrow?"

"I'm taking JD shopping for baby clothes--"

"Hmm… yeh-hinteresting, you're still going to insist that you are nawt, in fact, dating. When it sounds to me like you've got two dates already this week."

"Dr. Cox, I don't expect you to understand the very complicated relationship JD and I have. We don't work as a couple, sure the you-know-what is uh, pretty good, but it's… uh it's just complicated!"

"First off, 'Ewww', I did nawt need to know that you and Susie had nerdy sex together, ever. Although what you define as sex may be different than mine… tell me, Bar-boo, does it involve flannel nightgowns? Cool cotton sheets caressing between your bodies? Yah-hand second, what you two… 'do' together? It's nawt complicated. Nawt even close."

"I'll have you know that I do not own a single flannel nightgown!"

"Oooh, whips and leather then. We-hell, this puts a whole new interesting spin on you and Newbie's relationship… ker-chssh, ker-chssh--"

"You're so—I hate-- You like to cuddle! Jordan told me so! C'mon Sam, let's leave the mean old man…"

"She's got you there, 'Chief' Cox…"

"No, she doesn't, because that's NAWT TRUE. And more importantly, Carla, did you just put ironic quotes around my title?"

"Perry, I've known you since you were chief resident, I didn't call you chief then and I'm not going to call you that now."

"Those two are complete and utter morons…"

"They're just really good friends--"

"Oh come on Carla, you don't really believe that."

"Yes, I do! As friends they get along, but as soon as they start sleeping with each other they'll end up making each other miserable."

"So? Not every couple has to become a symbiotic organism like you and Gandhi--"

"Like your relationship is so much better? When was the last time you told Jordan you loved her -- Hah! You can't even remember, can you?"

* * *

Carla was wrong, so-ho-ho SO wrong. So me and Jordan haven't become conjoined twins, like that's healthy or normal. Sure, I call Jordan "demon bitch" and she says I never make her come (which is a complete and utter lie, as a proved last night two times), but we-- we're--

The point is, Newbie and Barbie are completely in love with one another and they refuse to see it. Just because they because they broke up four or five times doesn't mean anything. Jordan and I broke up at least fifteen times before we got married, and look at us now, we're a relatively satisfied divorced-but-still-together couple.

Well, if they're too stupid to see it, then someone is just going to have to show them how wrong they are…


	2. It's Like the War on Terror

My Stupid Cupid,

By Quaxo

* * *

The first step in 'Operation Nerdy Sex' is figuring out how, exactly, Theresa would seduce Barbie. I should just rent a bunch of eighties John Waters' films and take notes, proper research and all, but I'm pretty sure I can't stand that much cheesiness without my arteries clogging or becoming lactose intolerant. Lesbian porn would be much more entertaining and potentially useful, but that might mean letting Jordan in on the plan and she'd only mess things up.

In a way Operation Nerdy Sex is a lot like the "War on Terror", except not motivated by oil and with hopefully fewer casualties (except for mental scars that I'll sustain). It was a battle being fought on two fronts, because it wasn't enough to seduce Barbie, Mary-Jean needed to be "seduced" too.

As cringe-inducing as it is to dip into the delusional mind of "Dr." Newbie Dorian, it's necessary. Because Barbie needs to eventually put two and two together and realize that her mysterious suitor is Newbie. Hopefully the presence of this mysterious suitor will inspire some manly jealousy in Newbie's chest and voila! One miserable-forever-after couple.

* * *

"Delivery for Dr. Reid?"

"Oooh! Elliot these are so beautiful! I thought you weren't seeing anybody?"

"I'm not, and _please_… a dozen red roses? Could this guy get any more lame? He could at least have shown some thought instead of going for the most boring gift he could think of."

"Well, if you don't want them--"

"_NO_, I'll keep them, but I'm just not going to read the card…"

"Hey! Barbie! Give the man some credit here, he at least was thinking of you. I mean, it's not as if they're beating down your door since you devoured the soul of your last mate there…"

"_IDIDNOTEATKEITH'S__**SOUL**__!!"_

"Really? Because he really hasn't been the same since you broke off the engagement."

"Oh god! What if these are from Keith!? I _told_ him to stop doing this. Here Carla, you can have them."

"Tick tock, tick tock Barbie! That biological clock isn't going to stop until you find some guy willing to throw some action your way."

"What is that supposed to mean!?"

"That maybe a woman of your age can't afford to be too picky…"

"Oh god, you sound just like my mother… _Excuse me--_"

"Just what was that about, 'Chief' Cox?"

"Nothing! I'm just sick of you girls hating on us guys just because we don't live up to your new fantasies of romance."

" 'Hating'?"

"Fell asleep while MTV was on… go pull Barbie out of whatever storage closet she's hidden herself in."

"Yes, sir, 'Chief' Cox."

"And quit using ironic quotes around my title!"

* * *

There went a hundred and fifty dollars down the drain. What is _wrong_ with Barbie? What woman doesn't like a dozen long-stem red roses? It's a classic! So it wasn't the most _original_ of ideas, but I'm scrapping this whole mission if I have to get into the paranoia funhouse that is Barbie's brain too.

She didn't even read the letter! I spent three _agonizing_ hours listening to Journey and trying to write a Newbie-ish poem for that stupid card that I could've spent it drinking and watching baseball.

This isn't going to work if I can't get Barbie curious about her secret admirer. How is Newbie supposed to get jealous of this secret admirer if she won't give him the time of day!? That bitch.

And I thought getting Jordan to marry me was hard…

Oh Barbie, you may have won this battle, but I _WILL _win this war.


	3. He Shoots He SCORES!

My Stupid Cupid,

By Quaxo

* * *

Barbie wanted "original", which sort of blew all his plans out of the water. No chocolates then, because a) not original enough _apparently_, and b) he wanted her to fall in love with Newbie-licious, not develop bulimia.

What was _wrong_ with women today… didn't they understand that men weren't psychics who could read their every thought? That we're not sentimental creatures who can spend hours finding the perfect "random" gift? Even _Newbie_ isn't that much of a girl.

He's about to give up on the whole stupid scheme when late-night television provides him with an answer.

* * *

"Delivery for Elliot Reid?"

"Oh my gosh, _Elliot_, Keith must be serious… a chocolate dipped strawberry bouquet?"

"It's not Keith."

"I thought--"

"He said he wouldn't waste his money buying a bouquet because who spends that kind of money on the bouquet for a pig…"

"I'll be sure to glare at him extra hard today, what a jerk--"

"Thanks, Carla, you're a great friend."

"Well, your secret admirer obviously thinks you're worth the cost, those roses weren't cheap. Now you _have_ to read the card."

"…It says, 'How's this for original?'"

"He must have heard you yesterday! Or someone told him--"

* * *

It's at this point that Barbie and Carla start scanning the room like lionesses searching for the weakest members of the gazelle pack. If Newbie were actually involved in this seduction, he would've cracked by now and made the rookie mistake of immediately volunteering that he knew nothing about what was going. That, of course only makes you look like you have something to hide.

My antipathy towards Barbie is well known, so the fearsome duo don't even bother questioning me, which means I don't have to lie.

Then, as if I'd planned it even though I hadn't, Newbie comes skipping in and steals a 50 chocolate covered strawberry and takes a bite--

* * *

"JD!!"

"Wha--?"

"Don't eat my bouquet!!"

"Did Keith send you this?"

"No!"

"It's her secret admirer…"

"A secret admirer?"

"More like secret stalker! He's been listening in on our conversations, how can you think this is romantic, Carla!?"

"Because it's sweet. Obviously he likes you, he's just too shy to come forward just yet. He's trying to woo you, isn't that what every girl wants?"

"Well when you say it like that…"

"I think it's creepy, Elliot."

"JD, you're a guy, you wouldn't understand… Elliot, you should really try these, they're delicious!"

* * *

The green look on Hannah's face as Barbie bites into one of her chocolate strawberries is golden. If you weren't looking for it, you'd never notice it, but Sheryl is _jeal-lous_, not only of the strawberry that Barbie has wrapped around her lips, but of this secret admirer who is going to woo the pants of the woman he loves (even if it's not all that hard to do).

My theory now has proof: Newbie does, in fact, have romantic notions towards Barbie. Now if only he'll get off his ass and _do_ something about it, wooing Barbie isn't cheap after all.

I think I might be getting the hang of this…


End file.
